he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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