Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
