Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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