i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
