u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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