I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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