Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
