I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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