I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
