You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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