I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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