This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
