so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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