After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
