Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
