Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
