Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
