Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
