I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
