the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
