Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Enjoy the penises
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
