Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
