They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
