He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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