3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
