Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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