I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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