I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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