my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
