Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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