Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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