I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My bed smells like the plague
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
