Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
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I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
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Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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