I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
