I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
