Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
