You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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