I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
