I think I won the penis lottery.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
