ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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