He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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