brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you mean i was at the winter classic?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
