someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
