She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
