i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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