oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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