i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
