Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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