i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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