everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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