whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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