Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
