i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
