so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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