The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
