It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
