Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he thought i was a dude.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
love makes seman taste better
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
